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17 October 2012 @ 08:01 pm
Heading into another year of "saudade"  
It's been more than a year since I've updated and so I just want to tell you, that I'm usually around more casually, reading only posts about personal stuff (guess I'm curious *-*) but since I usually don't even get to the commenting part I could really understand if some of you throw me off you friend list. I'm going to stay for days like today, when I just have something to get off my chest, just for my personal pleasure... So eehm. If you're curious like me you're welcome to stick around. If not - I'm sorry *waves*

Alrighty, duty part done.
My life is actually usually going smoothly. I love the appartment I'm living in, I get along well with my friend. University (still doing computer science) is

difficult and not always only fun, but I feel like it's something that suits my academic strenghts. There are a lot of people who are quite passionate about it, but I'm not part of that group. Neither am I part of the group who seems to know everything already.So I have to work hard, but until now I always managed to get really good grades in the examines (SO MUCH FUN being better than the hardcore nerds muhahaha). There aren't many people I connect with on a personal level either. These kids, boys mostly, who seem to spend their life in front of the computer - not really people I love having around. And I always preferred having few but good friends than being around a lot of people that I just don't feel comfortable with. But, although it took some time I found my bunch of people I finally found them. A lot like me, kind of alienated by the nerds and wanting to explore real life. We spend hours drinking coffee, playing Fifa on PS (because we are only two girls and they love t let us play :D :D), having barbecues, getting insanely drunk and, yes, we even get to study together one pushing another. And we're really good at celebrating these few occurrences of success.
Otherwise my life didn't change that much. I still spend a lot of time with my family, simply because I love being with them. Plus my horse is there as well. And there's still nothing better to relax than some hours spent in the florest with him.

Getting closer to the true core of this post, here's how I spend my summer.

Like I told you in my previous post (that one that is a year old), I gained these 550€ last year when my flight from Sao Paulo to Lisbon was overbooked. I'd always been looking for a rather cheap flight back to Brazil, but it's always been way to expensive for an alone-living student to finance another trip until I found this REALLY REALLY REALLY cheap flight when I'd already given up for a very long time.
So, after spending time with my new gang in a trailer next to the beach and doing nothing at home, I finally got return to Brazil again. And again it was slightly different than last time. One of my best friends was now engaged and the girlfriend didn't like me and was jealous as hell. We spent SO MUCH time together last year and saw each other nearly every day - this time I only saw him three times. One of these was a random meeting in the supermarket. That was kind of frustrating and SO disappointing. I've always considered him one of my best friends. I reunited with some other people, like Alex who had made me feel left out last year because he was busy with new exchange students. We got to talk about it and became closer than ever. Another dear friend wasn't in town, because she was visiting her family. I ony saw her for three days. Concluding this story it was a mix of joy to meet this crazy bunch of people again and disappointment because some people proved not to be as close friends as I had considered them to be.
Oh, and I got inked, too. Two small tattoos. Already planning the next one. It really is addicting!!!!

But this still wasn't the true purpose of this entry. What follows now is an enourmous text about my incababilty of trusting people and falling in love with them and how I met this one perfect human being who changed that. And how I miss him.

I had my only relationship when I was 16/17. It only lasted 4 1/2 months. That was the time I needed to realize that he was no good to me. That he was holding me back and that I needed to free myself from him.
Since that time, feb 2008, I'm single. And usually I like being single. I really do. I like my freedom. I swore to myself that I would never let anybody hold me back ever again.
I do what I want. Make plans for myself. Dream big. Because there's nobody who I would have to ask for permission. My parents support me no matter what my newest plan may be. And I like that too. Cause I never was that good at taking care of people anyway.

I'm usually not really sure of what I want. But very sure of what I don't want. What usually ain't a problem for me, but the people around me. And I didn't want anybody to interfere with my life. Cause that boy, yes, that one small boy from that long time ago - he scared the shit out of me. It was hard letting him go at that point but I realized later that he didn't gave me anything that my best friend couldn't get me. Except sex maybe. But that was more that really - more sex than making love. He still scared the shit out of me.
I never was the easiest person to get through to anyway. But the way he tried to control my life and especially my social life, and the way he absolutely couldn't let go after the break up and stalked me for weeks - that was just a fucking time in hell.
And I know now that that experience made me become even more distant.

So you know during all this time I had some crushes. Boys I thought were cute. Boys that impressed me with their intelligence or a joke. That kind of things that just make an impact on you and that makes you remember them when you are in bed at night so you wonder what kind of couple you two would be together. But there was never really more to it. Because deep down I knew this wouldn't go right. There was always something that didn't feel right.
I admired Basti for his intelligence but jeeeeez we don't even have the slightest bit in common. I think I couldn't talk with him for even 30min straight without running into problems of what to talk about. Except academical topics maybe. But who wants that???
I then really had a major crush on Felipe. Boy, I wanted to kiss him so badly!! And that he didn't seem that interested didn't help. You always want what you can't get.... But actually that was all I ever wanted. The erotical adventure. You know these men with this kind of bad boy attitude, that just make you all weak, although deep down you know better???? But it was that touch of bad boy he had that made me think that I could never be in a relationship with him. I don't want that kind of boyfriend. So I always kinda longed for his lips (to the point where it got ridiculous) but his heart? Never my aim.
I really, really liked Clebi. Don't know what was wrong there. He has his wicked charme that will always work on me. The making out (yes, there was making out) was really good as well. He's cute, he pushes my buttons just as well as I push his. We were great friends. Sticking together for hours and days and weeks and never getting bored of each others company. It just never felt like it was meant to be more? I really don't know. It was me, for obvious reasons, that we didn't develop into something more. And I would love to be able to say that at least we preserved our friendship. Only that we didn't. Or we did. Until his jealous girlfriend entered the stage this year.

And then just two months ago when I was back in Brazil HE came into in my life. After four and a half years of being single and being cool about it, telling everybody that that's exactly the way I like it and secretly wanting someone to hug me sometimes I met HIM. Beginning like one of these typical crushs.
I met him and I instantly realized that he was totally my type. Tall (gosh, I just love tall men), with a strong appearance fisically as well as personality-wise, dark and beautiful eyes, one of the brightest smiles I've ever seen (and I definitely have a thing for smiles like this - they catch my eye instantly!!) and a loud and roaring laughter that makes you smile even if you don't want to, because it's one of these innocent and lighthearted laughters that seem to come from the bottom of the soul, out of pure happiness. Amazing and oh so attractive!
And then the things he said. Talking about life and relationships and I think I just nodded the whole night - because I just agreed with everything. And this is a very rare thing in Brazil. Usually doesn't happen with me and brazilians. I was amazed by how sincereful he sounded. He really did believe what he was saying and not just trying to impress somebody (and oh yes, believe me, this already happened a lot to me in Brazil). And he kept asking me questions, all kind of stuff. My family, my life, my culture. The typical stuff. And some personal. What kind of men do you like? Do you prefere the bad boys or the romantic ones. Jokingly pointing out to his friend how he is totally my type.
Though my bells were ringing (was he trying to point something out, to imply he was REALLY interested in my preferences? Or should I be worried what that amount of beer was doing to his ability of talking in a subtle way??) after all this time getting nothing but disappointed after getting to know a guy or realize after a time that a Brazilian actually ain't that interested in YOU but fascinated by the idea of making out with a "gringa" (great story to tell I guess), I was just cautious.
But we talked until 3 o'clock in the morning with our friend passed out on the other couch. I think he wanted to kiss me, and somehow we had ended up really close. But I was too sober and he was too drunk. And somehow i didn't want to be "that girl that he kissed when he was drunk". So I let him drive me home. I promised him to see him the other day on a party. And went inside. Where I listened to his motorcycle driving away. And while I was somehow kinda proud that I didn't make out with him I also asked myself if I had just let my one and only chance of kissing him slip through my fingers. The pride won in the end to be honest. I wanted to wait if he would remember me, our conversation, US the next day. If I was mistaken when I was thinking that we somehow connected that night. If he had forgotten it all and was more drunk than he had seemed.
So I added him on facebook the next day. And when by some stupid circumstances I didn't get to see him the next day I wrote him a message excusing my non-appearance at that party. With a lot of "hahahahahha" to not seem as serious as I was. He on the other hand seemed totally cool with that. That was when I thought - well, alrighty. Good not to get the hopes too high.
And so I went on with my life. Maybe accidentally passing by the gym where I know he often is, but not seeing him and not pushing it any further. Until I saw him again one week later. He was in the same bar where we had met the week before. I was there talking with a friend and drinking caipirinhas when he appeared. And (due to the fact that this time I was the drunk one and he just totally was as my type as I remembered) I forgot for just 3 seconds what was around me. Forgot to listen to my friend. Forgot to at least try to look intelligent. He just got me like this. To hell with all those rational thoughts I had had all week about how I was NOT going to be pathetic and how I was NOT going to run after him. After some time he stepped by our table to just say hi and ask with whom I was there and how I was. I used this chance to tell him how my friends were leaving (they really were ok!! ;) ) and invite myself to his table. My friend still stayed a bit, during this time I already figured out that all the girls on his table (2 to be exact, haha) had boyfriends. That was promising... So I went over there, sat next to him, and couldn't deny that I was sightly drunk as everyone could have guessed from my very red face. We had a lot of fun though. They were still drinking and getting to my level of "drunkness" while I already began to sober up slightly. Somehow we ended up close together again. With our legs touching. Sometimes a touch with the hands. A man passed by asking him if I was his girlfriend what we thought incredibly funny at that moment. We stayed late, because he somehow managed to talk his friends into drinking "just another beer" for at least two times. Then he drove me home again.
I love him driving me home on his motorcycle. Me getting to sit next to him, pressed to his back, having his smell in my nose, my hair getting messed up by the wind and just listening to him talk. In front of my house I thanked him for the ride and since I didn't know what else to say wished a good night. And he looked at me and said "Seriously? Is a that all I get?". And then we kissed. I don't think I have to mention if it was good. In the end he took my face, kissed me first on the nose, then on the forehead and wished me good night.
I think I never went to sleep with such a bright smile. Because what boy, who is only interested in the idea of a german one night stand, would kiss her on the nose?

We met again later that week. He called me when I was walking home with Alex. I had just told him about him. We met on the streets and he brought me home again. We talked for a very long time. He told me about his ex girlfriend with whom he was for 8 years. How it had been 7months till she broke up with him. How he had lost his job at the same time and how it was a very hard time he still was trying to overcome. How he had thought about me and remembered some things where our paths had crossed before: How we were in Floripa at the same time. How he once sat two rows from me in a bus and wondered if I was going to get numb because my music was that loud. How someone has once talked about me. And we wondered about how close we've been several times, but how we never got to know each other. He was still that easy to talk to and a a very good listener. Learning, asking, curious. And still a good kisser obviously.

That next weekend he wasn't in town. But when I drunk-messaged him he called me the next day to ask if I was ok and saying he was sorry he didn't respond earlier. Nobody ever did that for me before. Nobody gave me the feeling that he CARED that much. When he returned I was on a trip to visit a friend. When I came back we realized we only had a week left before I had to get to Sao Paulo to catch my flight. That was when we decided that from that day on we would have to take what we could get.
We saw each other at night. He came to me, we sat in front of my house, drinking tereré and we talked and kissed and talked for hours. Somehow we never run out of things to talk about. He told me about a song he thinks is perfect for us. When I said that I once were at a concert of the singer we explored that we both were.Once again at the very same. So close. But strangers. And more than 4 years later we were close again. On so many other levels. We talked about the age gap that was kind of obvious. 13 years. Talked about plans and friends. How little time we had left. How big the world is.

The next day happened the same thing. I had seen him with some buddys that day but although I did talk to them I didn't really talk to him. We were never official. And we figured it would be easier this way. Without having the whole town watching us. But it did feel so awkward to act that way around him. A little smirk was all we allowed each other... We met up at night again. I had thought I wouldn't get to see him because he had told me he had drunk too much that day and would stay home. That didn't really help with my mood. Plus I had been getting kind of disappointed by 5 friends in 3 days and my final weekend in Brasil was kinda slow and awkward and not as fun as I wanted it to be - I was really moody and depressive until he showed up. He wasn't in the best mood either. Said it was because he had drunk too much. So we both weren't really in the mood to talk. So we made out. And got kind of carried away. Well we just needed to get our heads off our moods I guess. And we did. And it helped. He left in a hurry afterwards and we both didn't get that much sleep that night - for different reasons.
We didn't see each other on sunday but the last three days - well I think we made the most of it. A lot of terere and talking, laughing, wondering and dreaming, hand holding and kissing. And the last night was especially memorable. It was a mix of nostalgia, uncertainty of the future, playfulness and true admiration for one another. In the end I gave him a postcard of my town with a little something written on it. I just wanted him to have something to remind him of me. Something to touch. I remember how when we were driving back he told me about how he passed his drivers license. I'm glad he did the talking. Cause I had lost my ability to talk by then and were only able to hold his hand.

We promised each other that we will meet again. One day. We don't know when, but it WILL happen. And we will see what happens then. That was the only promise. We don't know what will happen in our lives and we didn't want to make promises we can't keep. It's the honest way. I still think it's the best way.

But I miss him. Badly. Everyday. I miss the way he looked at me before he hugged me. I miss how he always cupped my face with his hands, slowly kissed first my mouth, then my nose, then my closed eyes before sighing quitly and wishing me a good night. I miss his laugh. His incredible laughter that made me fall for him. I miss to hear the smile in his voice when I had answered the phone with an "oiiiiieeeee" and he tried to imitate my voice because he thought it was adorable. I miss how he always pointed out my weaknesses and made sure to show me how much he liked them at the very same time. I miss this person who at the end of the day called or stepped by and the first thing he asked was how my day went and wanted to tell me what he did. Who always listened and always liked to share his thoughts. Who I loved to watch while talking. Who was amazed that I liked him because he considered me that special.

The time we got to spend together wasn't much. I'm aware we never got past that phase in which everything is shiny and sparkly and you could just poop butterflies and ride away on a unicorn together. And that's the part that sucks. We probably will never get to try how we would work out as a couple. It's easy to have a great time for some weeks. But the real adventure will never be ours to take. And although I treasure every minute I got to spend next to him, I can't help but think that it just AIN'T FAIR.
I spend a lot of time alone. And when I found a guy who makes me fall in love with him, he lives on the other side of the world.
And he had his heart broken not that long ago. And then he met me. And I had to leave him too. I wish I could have been better than that. To him. I wish I could have made him happy.
Now he's there and all we can do to overcome this 10477km-wide gap between us is sending messages every day - but I feel like I'm already losing him. And it's only been a month now.
I guess all what's left for me is to be patient. Wait what life has in storage for me. Dream big. See if I get to return to Gloria next year. That's somehow comforting cause it's what I've been doing since I broke up with that boy in feb 2008.

Only nine months left.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Apenas Mais Uma De Amor - Jads & Jadson
A.vella_amor_dm on October 27th, 2012 02:55 am (UTC)
don't give up hope sweetie :) ♥